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  • Rachel

A little PSA

As I sat in church today, with tears streaming down my face and snot barreling from my nose, I came to a realization. I am not sure why I haven’t thought about this before. But just a little PSA to anyone who may be walking in similar shoes, bring Kleenex with you. Just tuck that in your purse. Or in your coat pocket. Or something. It’s been 142 days since I lost Raelyne and it’s only crossing my mind now that I should just pack Kleenex.

The past few weeks have been better weeks than most of them recently. I feel that I am starting to really learn and grasp what it means to carry on while still grieving. I am starting to look after myself again. I’ve made supper a few times. I’ve put makeup on a few times. I even did my hair one day.

So, as I sat alone in church, trying to not go past the edge of uncontrollable crying. Wiping my snot and tears in my sleeves, I questioned why I have never thought of just carrying Kleenex with me. It is extremely common for me to be on the brink of falling over the edge (or even falling over it), especially when I go out. There has been one church service, since Raelyne died, that I haven’t cried. There have been numerous times I’m walking through the grocery store crying because I saw her favourite yogurt or treat. Or driving and balling at the wheel (sometimes even needing to pull over because I can’t see). Or sitting in her bedroom unable to get up, as a sob on her floor. This has become my everyday life. And even though I have been doing this for 142 days, today is the first day, that I even thought about packing Kleenex in my purse.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t really thought about looking after myself in over 142 days. Or, whenever I’ve been on the brink of losing it, I’ve either been in the presence of my own home or I have been with someone that I care about (my husband, parents, sisters, etc.) who have been able to help me (and find me Kleenex!). Or I have so much on mind, all the time, that this thought hasn’t been able to make its way though until today.

Whatever the reason, just a note to everyone else, pack Kleenex.

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