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  • Rachel

Spring is in the air

And it sucks.

As the snow starts to melt, I remember that Raelyne never experienced the snow this year. Raelyne loved the snow. Not only does the spring represent another season that she will never get to experience but it also reminds me of the winter season we just lived without her. All the things that she missed. The memories we made without her. All the things that she would have loved.

I pulled the wagon to the park today with only one child. The wagon was 20 pounds lighter than it should have been. There was one less child to keep an eye on, ensuring they don’t jump out of the wagon. There was one less voice, jabbering away as we walked the streets. There was one lonely child alone, at the park, playing and missing her best friend. Her playmate. Her sister.

As I walked to the park, pulling the wagon, all the memories of previous walks replayed again and again in my head. The walks that Raelyne and I took when I was on maternity leave. The walks we took when Khaleesia would come and visit. The walks we took once Khaleesia finally joined our family. The walks we took with the push car. The trike. The wagon. The stroller. Every walk was a joyous one. Full of smiles. Anticipation of the fun times to be had at the park. This one was too. But it was also full of sadness and tears, covered by smiles and sunglasses.

This is my new life.

The one where in each new moment, happiness and sadness co-exist. Where my chest is heavy and my heart hurts, while I smile and laugh. Where I try to focus on being in the moment with Khaleesia. Enjoying the time I get to spend with her and the adventures I get to give her. While mourning the adventures that I can no longer give to Raelyne. All the moments we are missing out on. All the adventures that Khaleesia and Raelyne should be enjoying together. And remembering all memories we were able to make with Raelyne. The fun times we had together. The adventures we went on. The goofy things she would do and the giggles and smiles Khaleesia and Raelyne would share.

My life is now learning how to live when happiness and sadness co-exist.

Allowing myself to feel both emotions and understanding that this is okay. It is okay to live in the moment with one daughter, while longing for the other. I don’t know if it will get any easier. I can’t see how it will, as there will always be a piece of my family missing. A huge piece. But for now, acknowledging the mixture of my feelings and allowing myself to feel them all, will have to be enough.

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